As I was ironing my husband’s work clothes, I was thinking about my Sunday. Now it’s clear as to why Satan has been fighting so hard against me this week. He could see my feet shaking off the desert sand...
This has been a season of so many tears. Tonight, I received a text from my sister. It was a picture of her and my little foster love. Tears just began to flow as I continued to iron listening to my Christmas music on pandora. Tears were finally gone when my husband entered our bedroom. He could tell something was wrong as I tried to shake it off like it was nothing. He hugged me and held me as we swayed to the music. I could no longer hold back the tears as I cried from the depth of my heart...I got another picture of my foster love.
It’s hard explaining these tears that welled up inside me for the second time this week over pictures. They had nothing to do with my foster love, but everything to do with me. They aren’t tears of sorrow, but simply desperate cries for redemption. The freeing of my heart and soul that has been stranded in the desert for longer than God intended. Fear has kept me here. Fear that there is nothing more for me than this.
I’ve made so many excuses in fear. Those that know me, know the love and passion that I have for God’s children. I long to be used by Him. But for some reason, I haven’t been able to. I had the opportunity to teach kids at a pediatric camp in October. I wanted to so bad, but I let fear stop me. I had a good excuse as to why I couldn’t. Satan had me believing that I’m not capable of teaching children. That God no longer needs me. Leaving a big whole in my soul.
I just celebrated my 13th wedding anniversary to a man I love so much. I desire to have a marriage centered on God, but Satan has a tight grip on my heart. He refuses to let go, encouraging me to keep him at arms distance, unable to be intimate, he had me believing that I’m not beautiful enough. That he couldn’t love me. Leaving a big whole in my heart.
I know God leads us to deserts. Forcing us to rely on Him. When I entered the desert, my soul was so dry. Unable to shed a single tear. Now here I stand. Vulnerable. Still in the desert. At the very edge. Feet in a puddle of tears. Staring redemption in the face. God has wanted me out of the desert for some time now, but it’s been easier to just stand here.
The thing is. The closer I get to the edge of the desert. To the promises God has for me, my marriage, my calling...the more Satan attacks. He brings it full force. Haunting my dreams. Making me relive the circumstances that bring me so much pain. He made sure he brought them last night. When I woke this morning, I was ready to make excuses. Excuses as to why we shouldn’t go to church. Knowing I was suppose to talk to the Associate Pastor about the ideas God has given me for our church’s children’s program.
I’m so glad I didn’t sway. Okay my husband didn’t sway. I tried to get him to go to my dad’s church and he said...NO! God had so much for me to receive. It was the push I needed to get out of the desert and claim the promises God has for me. I don’t want to make excuses anymore. I want to enter the land flowing with milk and honey. My promise land. I’m shaking the sand off. It’s time to leave the desert!
A sweet friend texted these verses to me just at the right time and I want to leave them with you. Be encouraged. You’re not on the battlefield alone.
“When I thought ‘My foot slips,’ your steadfast love, O lord, held me up. When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul...But the Lord has become my stronghold, and my God the rock of my refuge.” Psalm 94:18-22
“For great is the Lord, and greatly to be praised; He is to be FEARED above all gods.” Psalm 59:4
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